Pulpit HumorThe preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published this item in the church bulletin:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes into . . . the . . . pulpit.
The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store, but
discovered he didn't have any money with him.
"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."
"Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could attend twice."
On the church newsletter were these instructions -
Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply.
- If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
- If it turns blue see your dentist.
- If it turns red see your bank manager.
- If it turns black, you need to check your will so see your lawyer immediately.
STEWARDSHIPA minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
A Rude AwakeningThe story is told of a pastor who was frustrated because of one man who always seemed to fall asleep during the sermon. So the pastor devised a trick, a way he thought he could embarrass the man so as to get him to break this habit. Near the end of a sermon concerning "hell", the Pastor, in a normal voice, said to the congregation, "Any one here today who wants to go to hell" - - then he raised his voice to a much louder volume - - "PLEASE STAND UP!"
Of course this woke up the sleeping parishioner who quickly jumped to his feet. After collecting himself for a moment, the man then looked at the pastor and said, "Preacher, I don't know what we're voting on, but it appears that you and I are the only one's for it."
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.
Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically
waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island
and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.
After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"
"Well, that's my house there."
"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.
"I built that hut to be my church."
"What about the other hut?"
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was
for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each
Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping
for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend
told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit
the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several
people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he
continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate
and went to the pastor.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
"That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
The Christian School was trying to do some outreach and allowed a
"non-traditional" child from a non-Christian family to attend. During a
Bible class one of the new teachers asked Little Johnny, "Who broke down
the walls of Jericho?"
Not having any knowledge of the Bible, Little Johnny replies," I don't know, I swear it wasn't me."
The teacher, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to someone she knows to be a good friend of Little Johnny's family to ask about the boy's religious background.
When told about the boy's reply, the friend replied, "I know little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and I can vouch for them. If little Johnny said that he didn't do it, I'm satisfied that he's telling the truth."
Even more appalled the teacher decides to talk to the boy's father. She relates the whole story, again. After listening intently the father replied: "I can't see why you're making such a big issue out of this, if Johnny did this just go get three quotations and and I'll willingly pay the cost of fixing the wall."
They have a Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it
rings and rings but nobody answers.
The Church SecretaryOne day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away
from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the
Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank
you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was
wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in
Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" "Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country
to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles
from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their
car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn't have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said:
"Sisters, I don't think it will work, but you sure have faith!"
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about
the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to
read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn: There is a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn: Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I May See
The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn: Send Out Thy Light
The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By And By
For those of you who drive, if you must
speed on the highway, please sing these......
45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories
One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very
worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him a
wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he
should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate
and asked him what was wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."
"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first.
"Yes?" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer
working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher
asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to
him by way of an usher. The note read:
"Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years. "How is your wife?" "She is in heaven," replied the friend. "Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say. "I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad." That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can men go to heaven?" "Of course men can go to heaven, honey," she answered, "why do you ask?" "Well," the little girl said, "I've never seen a picture of an angel with whiskers." To which her mother replied, "That's because most men get into heaven by a close shave."
There was a man with wealth beyond imagination. He loved to look at his money, gold, & precious stones. He had worked so hard all his life to get this wealth and wished so much to be able to take them with him when he died, that he actually asked God to be able to do so. To his surprise he actually heard God answer that he would make an exception and allow him to bring one suitcase with him. He filled up a suitcase with all of his gold, and a few months later he passed away. He approached the Pearly Gates and there was St. Peter waiting for him. St. Peter told him that he couldn't bring anything with him, but the man said that God had made an exception and he could check on it. Sure enough, St. Peter came back & said that the man was right and that God had made an exception. So he asked the man wha t treasure he had chosen. The man struggled to lift the suitcase onto the table, then proudly opened it up. St. Peter took one look at the gold and said, "All the things you could have brought and you brought PAVEMENT?!?" (If you don't get it, see Rev. 21:21)
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday week- end. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend, said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip"; The minister chuckled, " I know what you mean. "It's the same in my business."